I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
