Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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