u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
