Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize