you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
