My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
