I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
