I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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