He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
babies were throwing up all over the place
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
