I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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