He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
