If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
So. Much. Porn.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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