I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
