I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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