you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
