My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize