Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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