At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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