Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
