I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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