I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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