I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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