i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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