my phone needs a breathalizer
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
