So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
