I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
