update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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