1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
pray to the hookup gods
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize