i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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