Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
