I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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