My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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