I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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