I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
