M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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