she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
