I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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