Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize