I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize