You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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