maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
