when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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