my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Randomize
