I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
