I think im going to throw up on grandma
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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