so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
