I want to have your abortion
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
