in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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