There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
