I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
