Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize