apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
