And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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