It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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