He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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