Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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