I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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