She's JV to your varsity
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
