He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
