The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
