Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
