i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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