I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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