Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
