My nipple is on Facebook.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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