Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
