Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Are we still banned from the library?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
