This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
where are my eyebrows?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
