ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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