My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
