He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
