Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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